mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
