guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
