I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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