my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
