I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
