First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
