So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
