i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
