it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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