My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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