i think i have two assholes
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
