why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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