I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Randomize
