the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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