I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
