Are we in a gay sports bar?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
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