If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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