i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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