He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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