I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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