We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
