i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
