Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
