I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
