Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
