genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
