I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
