Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
