barbara walters just said penis...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
