i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
