wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
