I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
