Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
