yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
