I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize