life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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