I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
