Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
