he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
