Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
