Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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