but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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