The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
