he wants to bone in the snuggie
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
