I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
