I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
