Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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