You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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