I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
