If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
