sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
