I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
NoShamevember. You game?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
BRING THE BAGELS
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
