im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
