Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
