My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He felt like a one man threesome
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
