What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
My first STD was from a foam party
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
