Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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