she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
