his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
