I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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