Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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