paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
