He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
