a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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