if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
