It's like God shit irony all over that family
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
