After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
